Monday, October 26, 2009
Making a Baby
Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
The 5 Best Sentences
These are possibly the 5 best
sentences you'll ever read. This is one paragraph that
should be in every book in every school room in every
city in every state in our great Union ... Our
educators should make a lesson plan on this one statement
and instill these words in the minds of all students.
"You cannot legislate the poor
into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out
of prosperity.
What one person receives without
working for, another person must work for without
receiving..
The government cannot give
to anybody anything that the government does
not first take from somebody else.
When half of the people get the
idea that they do not have to work because the
other half is going to take care of them, and when the
other half gets the idea that it does no good
to work because somebody else is going to get
what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning
of the end of any nation..
You cannot multiply wealth by
dividing it."
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Men Get Stronger with Age
Two old retired Marines, that hung around a service type bar, down around the post gate were really drunk havin’ spent most of the day there.telling each other stories about the world and the corp.
One said, “Ya know Joe, when I first joined upm, i was about 20 and whenever I got an erection, I couldn’t bend it even if I using both hands.
By the time I was 30, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 40 and had made Master/sargeant, I could bend it about 20 degrees, not a problem.
I’m gonna be 50 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
“So”, says Joe, “What’s your point?”
“Well, I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”
******************
Pan handling works if you have the correct sign
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, “Look at your sign.” It reads: “I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support”
Carlos looks at Jose’s sign.
It reads: “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico
One said, “Ya know Joe, when I first joined upm, i was about 20 and whenever I got an erection, I couldn’t bend it even if I using both hands.
By the time I was 30, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 40 and had made Master/sargeant, I could bend it about 20 degrees, not a problem.
I’m gonna be 50 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
“So”, says Joe, “What’s your point?”
“Well, I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”
******************
Pan handling works if you have the correct sign
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, “Look at your sign.” It reads: “I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support”
Carlos looks at Jose’s sign.
It reads: “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico
Golf Ball
Golf ball: Be careful how you “phrase” things………..
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end.”
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”
I don’t remember much after that…”
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end.”
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”
I don’t remember much after that…”
Go Fly a Kite
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes
crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind.
Last night, you told me to go fly a kite…
crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind.
Last night, you told me to go fly a kite…
Laught a Bit
A lovely young Christian-school teacher of unsullied virtue was invited to go for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, who she admired. Under a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.
Sobbing uncontrollably, she asked her seducer, “How can I ever face my students, knowing I have sinned twice?”
“Twice?” asked the young man, somewhat confused.
“Why, yes,” said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye. “We’re going to do it again, aren’t we?”
Sobbing uncontrollably, she asked her seducer, “How can I ever face my students, knowing I have sinned twice?”
“Twice?” asked the young man, somewhat confused.
“Why, yes,” said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye. “We’re going to do it again, aren’t we?”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
